I believe it started when I got back from the therapist. I don’t think she helped. Actually, I felt more patronized and aggravated then before.
She speaks of being content with the person you are in the now. I speak of enjoying the now, and working towards the future. She becomes frustrated, because working towards a personality-driven goal instigates pursuit of the ideal self. I don’t see the harm in liking the person you are, but holding the idealized self as a goal you never intend to reach.
If I could be my idealized self, I would be able to shoot fucking laser beams from my palms and become the hero of humanity, and probably not waste my time in a therapist's office.
Superman, Goku, and Sarah Palin could fucking suck it.
Today, I went to work to volunteer. Not because I wanted to, but to absolve my own guilt. Or to prove something. I’m not entirely sure. Last weekend was a disaster, and I was in charge. People didn’t do their jobs. Money went missing. Things were placed in the wrong spot, slacked off, boxes unchecked and unpriced. That’s just the top of it. I took responsibility for the things that I knew I did wrong. I didn’t realize at the time, that being in charge meant you took responsibility for other’s mistakes too however.
Needless to say, I was, and am still not pleased. I’m in charge again this weekend. I’m going to make it different.
But today, I went in, and I felt the strongest, most clear signal I’ve had in a job. No fuzziness. No confusion. I wanted to quit. I wanted to never, ever work there again. Not because I was inadequate, because I’m not, but because I simply didn’t want to put up with the shit anymore. I’m not going to be hardcore-worker-extraordinaire every bloody day. Somedays, I’mma gonna be lazy. I guess the expectations may be getting to me a little.
Still, I couldn’t believe how much I wanted to quit today. It was painful.
Went to see Joseph and the Amazing Technicoloured Dreamcoat today though. Very happy with it. It's resparked an interested in live theatre. I think I’m going to stalk actual theatres to see if they’re going to have any plays I’d enjoy going. I wouldn’t mind seeing a real production of anything Andrew Lloyd Webber does. I’d probably pay through the nose for it too.
I need to eat more. Calorie counting is nooot a friend of mine. I’m barely hitting 1000 a day.
Either way, tomorrow will be a good day. Sushi and booze!
Sushi and booze!
ReplyDeleteI agree with what you said to the therapist...so much so that it reminds me to make notes for a post I was going to do along the same lines. We need heroes. We need to believe, even in the tiniest way, that we could be heroes too. Why do you think Superman is such a cultural icon?
I adore you Chris.
ReplyDeleteThink of the strides we will make intellectually once we are wed.
And our offspring will be right brill.
I can agree with what the therapist is saying-to an extent. I've certainly had problems setting unreachable goals for myself. I think the key is being able to combine the two viewpoints. Accepting and enjoying yourself now, but being willing to improve yourself for the future if that is what you desire.
ReplyDelete~The Muse